Over the past 5 or 6 years I have came to terms with a lot of things I’ve went through as a child and I look at the relationships in my life and how it has a affected them both good and bad! Basically I have been doing self therapy! Knowing my issues has never been a problem, facing them head on and actually knowing where they stem from was!
For starters my mother, I never knew that I resented her growing up. Now as mother I totally understand BUT as her child I don’t know that I ever will. Up until the age of 8 or 9 She raised me as a Scott (My brothers family) that family never treated me as anything other than a Scott BUT I always felt as if I did not belong. My dad was a typical weekend dad and we had some good times. When we moved from Denver to Kansas City is when I met WillWill who became another father figure and to this day I think he may be the one I’m most close with, not only did he teach me life lessons but he made me feel safe and we really have a dad daughter bond. The kids under me didn’t really know that I wasn’t family (in both families) due to them growing up around me! The older ones yes, some claim(ed) me as family and some it was just never talked about. Which made me feel weird since it was not talked about. Almost as if I couldn’t tell one family about the other like it was a secret. I didn’t want who didn’t know to treat me different. If they knew of the other family there may be questions. (Hope that makes sense for you all) Later I found out that I was actually an Evans and that’s when my world turned upside down! I never met that dad until I was 15 (Well i did when i was 9 but had NO clue who he was and he sure didn’t make it know ) and it was on my behalf knowing that I had siblings. Our relationship has been rocky and the only time I ever felt close to him was actually about 2 weeks ago. Whenever I visit them and meet new family I ALWAYS hear “I didn’t even know you had an older daughter Mark” as if I’m not standing right there.. Thanks! Sooo again I do not feel as if I belong or welcomed... Catching on to the pattern here? Now as I stated I understand wanting the best for our children so we want to do for them the best we can! But honestly I’m not sure if she thought this dad thing all the way through. The way this has affected me with my children and my relationship is at times I feel like I push their own family on them because I never want them to feel as if they are not wanted or don’t feel they fit in with their own. It also affected me having friendships with other girls because my childhood self always thinks if my mom could hold in that truth than why wouldn’t anyone else! So I do not trust easy. I have done a lot better with getting along and opening up to females but I’m not all the way there just yet!
As far as my dads situation affecting my relationships, whewww Chile ! I was use to men leaving me so I’m kind of became numb to it. My Scott dad stopped coming around when he found out I knew of my birth dad. A couple of years ago he opened up to me about it when I had a conversation about our relationship! He left with out even knowing if I even met my real dad, says he felt as if he wouldn’t have a say anymore. When he said that it was like I lost him all over again. To me it felt like BS and it was just his way out, I can’t help that I felt that way but it’s my truth! Will Will went to jail when I was 12 and he’s still there so there went the only man in my life that I felt was the most honest with me. Mark was hardly around as is so.. My relationships with men had me clinging tight to those that were close in fear of losing them even if they were not right for me! Or I didn’t even take the chance to get close in fear of them leaving me.
It’s hard at times because for me family is not always blood it’s based off loyalty and love! I never want my kids to experience the feelings I’ve had being around family who just doesn’t see it the same way as I do. Some of my family I don’t even care to have them around because I don’t want them in and out like they are with me!
With my kids I make sure that I’m very open and honest about all my dads, because trust me they ask questions ha! I’m going to cut it off here because I can go on for days about this. Just wanted to answer that FaceBook question!
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3 comments:
I agree 100%, so many people have resentment towards family members from childhood trauma. The biggest challenge for me was willingly admitting I have resentment towards certain people. Especially when it’s a parent that you’re actually close to. You don’t wanna hurt them but if you don’t let it out you’re only hurting yourself and your relationships. It’s like going down a rabbit hole with so many things to unpack.
Yes exactly! You know they only did what they felt was best but that doesn’t take away the pain you feel from it! But understanding and growing through it is what helps you make peace with the situation! And allows you to move on in a healthy way, which is best for you and the one you hold to blame
I’m glad you have a forum to talk about your resentment. That’s big . Your blog made think.. some thoughts good, some bad
“Your brothers Dad”
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