Childhood to adulthood

I saw a post on Facebook the other day that asked “Do y’all believe that people’s childhoods affect their relationships with people?” I responded “ HELL YES”! Then it had me thinking about a blog I wrote back in January but have been hesitant to post, I was going to call it “Childhood Trauma”. I was also stuck on the title lol. But that post just allowed to to feel comfortable to talk about it now! I will just break it down to fit that one question!

Over the past 5 or 6 years I have came to terms with a lot of things I’ve went through as a child and I look at the relationships in my life and how it has a affected them both good and bad! Basically I have been doing self therapy! Knowing my issues has never been a problem, facing them head on and actually knowing where they stem from was!

For starters my mother, I never knew that I resented her growing up. Now as mother I totally understand BUT as her child I don’t know that I ever will. Up until the age of 8 or 9 She raised me as a Scott (My brothers family) that family never treated me as anything other than a Scott BUT I always felt as if I did not belong. My dad was a typical weekend dad and we had some good times. When we moved from Denver to Kansas City is when I met WillWill who became another father figure and to this day I think he may be the one I’m most close with, not only did he teach me life lessons but he made me feel safe and we really have a dad daughter bond. The kids under me didn’t really know that I wasn’t family (in both families) due to them growing up around me! The older ones yes, some claim(ed) me as family and some it was just never talked about. Which made me feel weird since it was not talked about. Almost as if I couldn’t tell one family about the other like it was a secret. I didn’t want who didn’t know to treat me different. If they knew of the other family there may be questions. (Hope that makes sense for you all) Later I found out that I was actually an Evans and that’s when my world turned upside down! I never met that dad until I was 15 (Well i did when i was 9 but had NO clue who he was and he sure didn’t make it know ) and it was on my behalf knowing that I had siblings. Our relationship has been rocky and the only time I ever felt close to him was actually about 2 weeks ago. Whenever I visit them and meet new family I ALWAYS hear “I didn’t even know you had an older daughter Mark”  as if I’m not standing right there.. Thanks! Sooo again I do not feel as if I belong or welcomed... Catching on to the pattern here? Now as I stated I understand wanting the best for our children so we want to do for them the best we can! But honestly I’m not sure if she thought this dad thing all the way through. The way this has affected me with my children and my relationship is at times I feel like I push their own family on them because I never want them to feel as if they are not wanted or don’t feel they fit in with their own. It also affected me having friendships with other girls because my childhood self always thinks if my mom could hold in that truth than why wouldn’t anyone else! So I do not trust easy. I have done a lot better with getting along and opening up to females but I’m not all the way there just yet!

As far as my dads situation affecting my relationships, whewww Chile ! I was use to men leaving me so I’m kind of became numb to it. My Scott dad stopped coming around when he found out I knew of my birth dad. A couple of years ago he opened up to me about it when I had a conversation about our relationship! He left with out even knowing if I even met my real dad, says he felt as if he wouldn’t have a say anymore. When he said that it was like I lost him all over again. To me it felt like BS and it was just his way out, I can’t help that I felt that way but it’s my truth! Will Will went to jail when I was 12 and he’s still there so there went the only man in my life that I felt was the most honest with me. Mark was hardly around as is so.. My relationships with men had me clinging tight to those that were close in fear of losing them even if they were not right for me! Or I didn’t even take the chance to get close in fear of them leaving me.

It’s hard at times because for me family is not always blood it’s based off loyalty and love! I never want my kids to experience the feelings I’ve had being around family who just doesn’t see it the same way as I do. Some of my family I don’t even care to have them around because I don’t want them in and out like they are with me!

With my kids I make sure that I’m very open and honest about all my dads, because trust me they ask questions ha! I’m going to cut it off here because I can go on for days about this. Just wanted to answer that FaceBook question!

Comment below your thoughts

Changing Behaviors

I don’t know if it’s a second kid thing or just a boy thing but when I tell you Kayden has taken me on many roller coasters with his behavior. Not to say Kimara hasn’t sent me on some for other things, just not behavior!! (Thanks moe) There has been times I had to lock myself in the bathroom due to knowing if I whooped him I’d relay hurt him and trust me that’s not a good feeling!

Kayden has always been his own person, I call him my sour patch kid! He know what he wants, what he likes and nothing is wrong with that UNTIL you try and make him do what he does not want to or wear something he does not like haha. Some things he will be very vocal about and others it just comes out in tantrums, pretty sure the tantrum just comes from not knowing how to express it! But lil man chill! We are the same sign so we’re pretty much the same person, things he does sometime I can’t even be mad about because I’m pretty sure I’ve done it to my mom. At the same time he is the sweetest caring and gentle young man when he needs/wants to be and I truly love that about him! He holds the door open for women and when he gets money he always asks if he can give some to the homeless! But anyway back to his behavior. 

Last year in 1st grade he had a problem in school with following rules. I really thought I would be grey by the end of the year. He had an attitude with any and everyone from me down to his coaches and it seemed to not get better with a whooping, yelling, time outs taking things lol I’ve tried it ALL believe me.  It would work for a day or week then back to his attitudes! These were not normal kid attitudes, one time I put him in time out and when I came back he had tore his sweatpants from the top of the thigh to under his knee! (Insert baffled look) At one point I really was just like this is him he will be like this forever I’m over it and throw in the towel. That thought didn’t even feel right, that’s not me to give up especially not my own child, what kind of mother would I be? Hell I’ve put up with worse from men. 

I drew up some contracts for both the kids, Kimara’s was for her grades and keeping her room cleaned. Her grades are always amazing but she had one C in a class so basically the contract was for her to get that grade up, maintain the others and keep her room cleaned with out me having to tell her! Kayden's was for his behavior (OBVIOUSLY) in class they get a daily color based off of their behavior so his goal was to try and keep between a blue and green as well as at home he needed to have good behavior. With these contracts they were rewarded  at the end there were also Consequences. Any time I had to tell Kimara to clean her room or anytime Kayden got a red in school a $ amount came off of their reward! Kimara's grades Improved but I had to tell her to clean that room way too many times go figure! Kayden's behavior was good during the period of course he had days that were bad but it seemed to be better than normal! 

They both got their reward at the end of the 3 month contract (with deductions)  it seemed to help them both! I think it was a good run but only productive due to the reward at the end, because as soon as it was over the old Kayden was back. They did not understand the bigger picture I was trying to make. Yes good behavior and hard work brings rewards but you should want to be the best person you can be regardless. You know they say don’t give expecting to get!

This year 2nd grade, we moved and Kayden is in a new school. When I tell you I have been contacted sooo much by his teacher, I mean behavior I really don’t approve of! He was kicked off the bus for fighting, he’s been being a bully, wrote a letter cursing and more. I have some ideas of what is bothering him that I’d rather not discuss. I’ve talked with him and expressed my feelings and how we went through the same things growing up! We’ve cried together, we’ve yelled at each other and I’ve whooped (not much lately I don’t think it really helps him). Mainly taking things from him gets to him the most so that really gets his attention! But talking being open and honest helped us to be closer! I’ve prayed long and hard on how to be sane with patient with him asking to please just show me the way! 

I try and tell both my kids something positive in the morning as they leave for the day!  My favorite one for Kayden is “You’re a King, be a leader” ! So we started to listen to meditating affirmations in the morning daily!  This has honestly been the most helpful rewarding thing I could have done! It’s been 2 months straight of all greens! At home he’s happier, helpful and just his mood is a lot better! Oh I also had to stop him from playing Fortnite ALL the time, rap music is a no no no (he was listening to stuff I’ve never heard, boy how did you even know of this)

A few days ago he stopped me and said “Mamma I have not been in trouble in a long time” 

I couldn’t do anything but smile and say “I know son I’m very proud of you!”

I’m sooo glad I did not give up or give into people telling me he just needs a ass whooping... NO that does not work for every kid and it wasn’t working for mine! Learning your kids and works best for them is KEY! Never give up and  keep fighting no matter how long it takes because it will all be worth the work!

One morning we were rushing so I didn’t put the affirmations on, and believe it or not Kayden said “momma, are we not going to play the meditation” 

Had to hurry and play it even if it was only for one minute!!

Last week he got an orange for talking and he felt bad about it when he came home! Told me what happen and owned up to it (his teacher and principal always tell me they love that he’s honest and never lies about what he has done) I told him I’m glad it wasn’t a red and that you know what you did so just continue to work on it! 

I know every day is not going to be peaches and cream or rainbows and butterflies but the improvement has been amazing! Knowing that he knows what he is doing wrong and willing to work on it is rather remarkable for a 7 year old! 

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but whew they didn’t warn me about this... what are some things your kids have struggled with as far as behavior and please share any tips in case these affirmations tend to slip away from working Ha!!!