Do I or don’t I

For years I said I wanted another baby but if I didn’t have one by the time I was 35 then it was over..... Well I will be 35 in July and NOPE I’m not pregnant! 

I go back and forth so much with if I even still want another child.. My oldest is about to be 16, I started over once having my son 8 years after her. I just can’t even imagine starting over once again. Things have changed so much even since Kayden and I feel like I would totally be lost lol. Not to mention I’m so close to being kid free it would be a shame to get stuck with another one. Ohhhh does that sounded bad? Not stuck with one but... you get what I’m saying! 

 Even though I have never really been a person to care about what people think or how they may view me but I’d be lying if I didn’t think about people saying things like “Damn she got 3 baby daddies” or “She still ain’t married”. In my mind I was in relationships with my kids fathers over 2 years and they are so spread out so Ohh well think what you want! And then as far as being married, again oh well it is what it is! I would love to have been married when I had each of my kids but that’s not how it happened. And looking at some marriages scares me lol most of them only together because of the kids so I realllyyy don’t want that either! These thoughts may just be in my head. 

Then on a brighter side, as stressful as being a parent is I truly LOVE it and I really cant imagine life any other way. I mean it’s all I know, I’ve been a mother since I was 19. It has to be the most rewarding job I’ve ever had. Watching your kids grow in the world knowing they have soaked in all the knowledge you’ve provided just does wonders to my soul!

Each one of my kids teaches me something about myself, I see things in them that are me. Things they go through and do helps me grow. The way that they handle emotions at their age is amazing because they admit and communicate things that I could not at their age. And it’s helped give me courage to start.

I guess if it’s in Gods will then I will have another one and if not the momma gone LIVE OK HONEY!!!! 

Feeling guilty: but loving it

Before Covid 19 I was the mom with busy kids! Basketball, Football, Baseball, Cheer, school activities, birthday parties etc. I was the mom always in their room making sure I got quality time in any way I could rather it be watching them play a video game, watch a movie with them or just to talk! The mom who checked homework daily, cooked DAILY and yes I mean daily! You know the mom that just never sat down until it was time for bed. Oh I love it as exhausting as it is if I’m not moving then something is not being done. And in the mix of all that lovely madness I worked over time for my job a extra hour in the morning maybe 2-3 extra hours in the evening oh and Saturday yessss I’m working! If there was a game lol yup I’m still clocking in before the game and after. Any idle time must be covered, you ever heard that saying “sleep when your dead” yea that was me! My sister use to tell me “Sissy you are a super mommy but you need to rest”! No thank you, I need to come up with a blog or network with bloggers or blah blah blah! Yea I’m tired from reading that so I know you are too LOL

Then came this DAMN virus and it has everyone in a frenzy (a state or period of uncontrolled excitement or wild behavior.) Side note I just had to google the word lol I knew how to use it but I didn’t know the full definition (Face palm lol oh well that’s just me being overly honest as usual) 

Anyway stores are empty, kids are being sent home from school, sports are canceled and it was just a lot too fast! So then I was the mom trying to work (for those that don’t know I’ve worked from home almost 2 years now) all while being a teacher to my children. Clearly it’s been a while since I’ve been in school, some of this stuff they teach the kids is just backwards or maybe it was how we were taught! It became frustrating because they are not understanding how I’m teaching and I don’t wanna show them the wrong thing or confuse them from how their teacher teaches. I was the mom who was making up games for them to have fun and learn at the same time! The mom who was making lunch now for 3 extra people with no peace and quiet. The mom being a referee between two 7 year olds! Still the busy mom but only in the house, and last but not least the mom about to pull her hair out!!

AND NOW.... Here we are put on a curfew and kids will be out of school the feast of the school year.... So guess what mom I’ve been .... (The kids are on spring break by the way) I’ve been the mom who has not went into their kids room until the end of the day. I’ve been the mom who slowed down on over time (and now they just announced we no longer have over time bummer) I’ve been the mom where I have not cooked daily. The mom who let her son stay up playing Fortnite until 5 am and letting him sleep in until God knows when. It’s 1:29 pm on Friday as I write this on my lunch and Kayden is STILL sleep. But guess what i honestly do not care. I don’t have any blogs prepared for the next 2 weeks, clearly because I’m writing one right now!!!

Normally I’d be feeling guilty because there has been too much idle time going on in my household BUT every now and then it’s ok to just BREATH... So that’s exactly what I’m going to do!!! Tomorrow I’m going to try and sleep in as late as I can, which I know will only be until 7:30 or 8 BUT it will be without an alarm. And I’m going to just lay in bed all day. Judge me if you want too lol! 

We try and control every minute of our life with schedules and trying to make everything perfect that we can drive ourself crazy. Maybe that’s just me I don’t know but I am going to do my best to let this weekend just control itself and allow everyone to relax!!

Please comment below your thoughts and what you’ve been doing since curfews have been put in place!!!