Love

So I was blessed to be involved in a project that some wonderful ladies are doing sharing different women’s stories! They stumped me when they got to one particular question!

“Where did you see love growing up” 

My answer was that I didn’t see it, with that question I went straight to thinking about love as far as a relationship goes. It really had me thinking about how I did not have any strong marriages or relationships to look up to or to mock for my own relationship! This is really a sad situation for a person who is so loving, emotional and always wanted to have a family. It makes me think how do I really know how to love in a relationship if I’ve never seen one! I mean I believe I know what it should look like but it’s not in front of me other than watching tv! And those relationships are made out to be perfect for example the Cosby’s or the Winslow’s (Family Matter) just to name a few. 

The only people in my family who have been married a long time were like great aunts and I wasn’t around them enough to see their relationship. But they did come from an era where people actually tried to stay in a marriage. Now a days people give up with out a fight and are on to the next. 

Then it dawned on me that love is not only shown in relationships and I was totally thinking of the question in the wrong way! I had love ALL around me! I mean if you follow my blog then you have read about the bonus mothers and dads all the family I have. My mother and grandmother show me soooo much love how could I not have mentioned that love? It takes a lot for a person to take in an child who’s not theirs THATS LOVE! My mother never met a stranger and will stop to help any one in need, I’ve seen her pull people out of flipped cars, give a man her jacket who just walked out a burning house even though it was cold outsideTHATS LOVE!!!

So to answer my own question how can I love in a relationship if I’ve never seen a healthy one is: I love selflessly like the love I was given, I love hard, I understand that persons background to understand their current, I communicate, I be honest not only to myself but to them, I be open, and I be consistent!!!

Where did you see love growing up?? Please share below 

 

Sports mom

As a kid I played SoftBall and I truly enjoyed being out there with everyone cheering and screaming! The adrenaline of making sure I caught a flying ball coming towards me to get the running player out before she even slid into my base. Whew there is nothing like it, thinking about it I’m not really sure why I didn’t play longer than I did because it was really fun! Not sure if most people really consider it a sport but I also was on a church dance team and my school step team! Building relationships and forming a sisterhood with your team is great! 

Sports are great for many reasons but just to name a few:

~ Preparation : A mode of preparing for the future!  You must be mentally and physically ready to give your all.

~ Perseverance: Steady persistence in a course of action! Even if you can’t get it the first try, keep going until you do.

~  Believing in others: You can’t win alone, being a team player you have to have faith and trust in your team

~ No excuses attitude: seek to defend or justify.  Excuses don’t win titles!

~ Make mistakes: An act or judgment misguided. Just like in life, it’s only a mistake if you don’t correct it! Learn from it and grow!

~ Respect:  Deep admiration for someone or something! In order to receive it you must give it

~ Know how to win and lose: As quick as your on top you can be back at the bottom! Do not over boast your wins and do not pity your loses! 

~ Passion/ Love: Strong and barely controllable emotion. If you don’t have a desire to do it, you won’t achieve goals. You must first actually want to do it.

My kids are active in sports heavily especially my son. Kimara has been cheering for school and competition for 3 years. And Kayden has been doing boxing, football (flag & tackle), baseball and basketball since he was 4 years old. Since he was a baby he always kept a ball in his hand and yes I was ecstatic about it because I truly wanted him in sports, I love sports and as I mentioned earlier being on a team is great to help you through life! 

I don’t ever want to be the parent that forces their child to do something they don’t want to, but if they show interest in it then YES I at least want them to try it out and you can figure out if you like it or not! Once your in it I expect that they will give it their all, not only because I have paid for it but because they can truly gain experience, knowledge and build strong friendships if they are all in!

During games I have seen sooo many parents living through their kids, forcing them to play a sport that is clearly not what they want to do.  I mean to the extremes that the parent has hit a kid because they were crying, didn’t wanna go out there or just didn’t complete a play like the parent thought they should. It’s like the parent is living through some type of fantasy. Unfortunately it’s not just the fathers I’ve seen doing this but I’ve seen mothers forcing them as well. Who knows what really goes through a parents mind when they push a child to play, maybe they feel like since they didn’t make it their child will. Are they looking for a way out? Who really knows, possibly dreams of big contracts, full rides to college, or just the next super star!

 Recently Kayden told me he does not really want to play football any more, at first I was thinking he just does not want to play because he has been sitting in the house all year unable to play and he doesn’t want to leave Fortnite. After the first day of training he was sore so I thought that also played a part in it. But he’s made it very clear that he wants to continue sports just not football. It shown a little last year but every time I asked did he want to keep playing he would ask me “If you want me too” As much as I want him to play I will not force it! BUT as far as this training I will have him continue that because it can help him with his speed and that’s good for all sports!

Reasons to NOT force your kids to play sports:

~ Can negatively affect their psyches

~ With no interest, they more than likely will not improve their skill set and that gives them the risk of hurting themselves or others 

~ They can’t be happy if they are not being themselves 

~ People glorify sports players, to put a child not interested in something where they are not succeeding or improving can cause them insecurities

~ Applies pressure on the child to live up to the parents expectations of them playing sports

~  Possibly break the bond between you two

~  Resentment: Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly 

 

We remember what it was like as a kid, having to do things that may not interest us but our parents forced us to do it.  It’s not a great feeling! As we did, our children have opinions and feelings that just want to be heard! Allow them to live out their dreams and passions even if it’s not your ideal! Get into what they like and help them excel in it! This will build a tighter bond between you both!

I have questions????

A lot of us have grown up in situations and have had experience we definitely do not want our kids to have! We’ve worked hard to make sure they never know struggle, helol most of us have done enough of that for ourselves and them! We want to give them things we never had, and nothing is wrong with that but don’t let it only be the materials we missed. My question is, are we doing them a disservice by sheltering them and not truly allowing them to have life experiences to grow? I mean for a lot of us if we didn’t have those experiences we wouldn’t be the people we are today! How else will we know how to overcome any adversity if we are not faced with it? Are we spoiling our kids? Will they know how to hustle and will they truly understand and appreciate the “good life” that we have provided for them?

I can’t say that growing up we were just full on poor! But we have lived in not so nice neighborhoods but we were driven to school because our mother wanted us to be in a better environment! That allowed me to experience both worlds! I remember a time or two the lights being off or maybe the water being off, I never would have thought we were poor or that things were bad until I started getting older. My mom did a great job of hiding that!!  

Trying to explain the things you’ve been through as a kid to your own kids, is like talking to a dog they just don’t understand. Like they really are emotionless when it comes to struggle! Have we made life to easy for them, by jumping to their every need? And I get it, how can you understand something you’ve never been through? My daughter is in 10th grade but will be starting colleges classes this summer (might not be until the Fall with the way this covid 19 is affecting things) but I don’t even want her in the class yet because as smart as she is she has not really been faced with real life! How will she interact with adults? She can hardly wash the damn toilet with out asking me questions. 

I guess I just want my kids to be appreciative of what they have! By no means am I rich but my kids don’t want for nothing. I will go with out for them to have if need be, something else I learned from my mother and didn’t even know it was happening until I was older. I guess that’s why I’m so into having my kids do charity work with me, so they can see that not everyone has it like they do! And at anytime that could be us in need of help! Honestly I think them seeing that helps more than me just talking about it. 

Are we taking the hustle and drive away from our kids by giving them everything they want? I can admit I was guilty of this especially with Kimara when she was the only child. I’ve tried to get in the habit (I could be more consistent) of making my kids work for the things they want. For example, Kayden bought his own PlayStation and some games by working for it. I do not want them to think things just come when you want it. It’s so crazy one time Kayden asked me for something and I told him I didn’t have it. He asked me “Can’t you just get it out the bank like you always do” WHOA sir I wish that was the case! 

Letting our kids grow through life will help them build character! We are only hurting them by guarding them from the world and handing them everything.

I started this post as a question then just began to ramble, now it really has me thinking...Please comment below your thoughts ....

Mothers guilt...

There is so much that needs to be done/given to your children , quality time, spending money, cooking, cleaning blah blah blah that i always get mothers guilt when i try to do anything for myself. I do not know how to turn it off sometimes..

Working from home makes it so easy for me to do over time, and the more i do i start thinking ok i know I’m at home and the kids are here but i really haven’t had time to converse with them other than saying “you’re too loud get out my office” or thinking “ok here you come again showing me another video” lol... But then i also think we’ll you know what i need this money cause i know they will be needing something soon!

It’s so crazy because anytime i have a little extra money Troy is telling me “Krystle do something for yourself even if it’s just going to get a massage” and here i go well babe i wanna hold onto it just incase it’s needed. He just looks at me crazy and then i end up buying something, but i still budget it and don’t go crazy. Anytime I’m alone and i go to get something for myself most of the time i end up getting something for them! Does not always be a big thing but even just little character  stand for the back of their phones... which thinking about it i joust stepped on one the other day! Dang kids use it for 2 days then just don’t care about it no more (face palm)!

There’s that worry if I’m over doing or under doing anything and it truly gives me anxiety. I’m not sure if it’s that i over think everything. Or maybe i always replay things i may have felt as a child and i never want them to feel that way! Lol but then thinking that makes me feel like I’m creating something in them that will affect them as they grow up! WHEWWW child yea just typing that shows me that i over think.

Do not forget who you were before becoming a mother because it’s so easy to do! We never want to neglect the children and in doing so we neglect ourself. Being a single mom i have to be all things at once! Boy the pressure be turnt wayyyyy up..

Here are some ways that i have tried using to get over my mom guilt

1. Get out of the house: it will allow you to free your mind. If you are not ok it will trickle down to the kids since you are the foundation
               -  Have a girls night
               - Find some place to go alone (before it got cold i would walk the track in my neighborhood)

2.  Step back to asses the situation 
                - ask yourself is there really anything wrong or is it in my head
                - recognize the thoughts you’re having (i literally have told myself Krystle just stop)

3. Strengthen the relationship with your partner
                  - another guilt that comes up (for me at least) when caring for the kids, romance might take the back seat 
                   - Make sure to get date nights in even if it’s just to go get ice cream  
                   - Having a healthy relationship is a great example for the kids to see 
4. Know that there is no such thing as a perfect mom 
                  - I’ve taken my mother’s mistakes and tried improving them
                 

Parenting is hard enough without beating yourself up about it! Allow your self room for mess ups and mishaps.  After all the mistakes are how we learn and it’s only a mistake if you do it again. What are some things you get mom guilt about? And how do you handle it! Comment below